It is boasting a lot of emotions!
I like routine, but I'm getting better about letting go of it. Better, but not great.
Yesterday I reached a boiling point and I stomped by little foot (figuratively) and let God know how frustrated I am about it. Especially about finding a consistent quiet time.
Life has been really hard for... about a year now.
A lot of positive and negative stress.
The usual: finances, health, work, raising kids. A colicky baby. An overhauled diet. You know.
I faced a lack of faith yesterday and fear than everything might not turn out right.
I faced not knowing what God wants from me, which is really fear I'm not meeting up to His expectations. Which makes me wonder are they His or are they mine? It makes a difference.
Faced feelings of guilt about not being the mom I want to be.
The wife.
The Christian.
I didn't feel like I was "good" at any of my roles.
Yesterday afternoon and evening with the colicky baby who cried pretty much non-stop had left me in that spent state.
Tim told me he loved me. Told me I'm a good mom. Told me to go to sleep when I was frustrated after being up multiple times in the night with both boys.
I fumed... and (eventually) took his advice.
I finally drifted back to sleep with a prayer that God would give me time to spend with Him.
It was one of those desperate, heart-to-heart talks that He so well understands.
I left it there and clung to His promise that He is gracious and slow to anger. I felt like He had a lot of reason to be upset with me.
Was it all my fault my quiet time isn't consistent?
What about all the times I snap at my kids? My husband?
But... I reminded myself that He doesn't give us more than we can handle and His strength is made perfect in weakness. Even when I don't see how either of those promises can be true in my situation.
Morning came and the rest of today and I want to give God praise that He met my needs and provided time with Him in a very sweet way.
I am always humbled when I find Him so patient and loving when my heart and emotions have been so yucky.
Even when this evening came and those emotions surfaced again. My pride surfaced. The challenges mounted.
Still He is loving. Still He is patient.
Below is what God used to speak to my heart the past few days.
Take some (or all of it) in, if you can. I hope it blesses you as well.
Psalm 115 (emphasis mine)
1 Not to us, Lord, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
2 Why do the nations say,
“Where is their God?”
3 Our God is in heaven;
he does whatever pleases him.
4 But their idols are silver and gold,
made by human hands.
5 They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but cannot see.
6 They have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but cannot smell.
7 They have hands, but cannot feel,
feet, but cannot walk,
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
8 Those who make them will be like them,
and so will all who trust in them.
“Where is their God?”
3 Our God is in heaven;
he does whatever pleases him.
4 But their idols are silver and gold,
made by human hands.
5 They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but cannot see.
6 They have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but cannot smell.
7 They have hands, but cannot feel,
feet, but cannot walk,
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
8 Those who make them will be like them,
and so will all who trust in them.
9 All you Israelites, trust in the Lord—
he is their help and shield.
10 House of Aaron, trust in the Lord—
he is their help and shield.
11 You who fear him, trust in the Lord—
he is their help and shield.
he is their help and shield.
10 House of Aaron, trust in the Lord—
he is their help and shield.
11 You who fear him, trust in the Lord—
he is their help and shield.
12 The Lord remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless his people Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,
13 he will bless those who fear the Lord—
small and great alike.
He will bless his people Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,
13 he will bless those who fear the Lord—
small and great alike.
14 May the Lord cause you to flourish,
both you and your children.
15 May you be blessed by the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
both you and your children.
15 May you be blessed by the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
16 The highest heavens belong to the Lord,
but the earth he has given to mankind.
17 It is not the dead who praise the Lord,
those who go down to the place of silence;
18 it is we who extol the Lord,
both now and forevermore.
but the earth he has given to mankind.
17 It is not the dead who praise the Lord,
those who go down to the place of silence;
18 it is we who extol the Lord,
both now and forevermore.
Praise the Lord.
~~~~~~
Exodus 34:6-7
What God said about Himself:
6 And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,
7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.
~~~~~~
This blog post spoke so strongly to my heart.
"Keeping our cool isn't always easy, but every time we let go and let God we are exercising that muscle of self control.
I’m saying “self control” here because we need to bring our flesh under the subjection of our Spirit. Our flesh wants nothing more than to stomp our feet and have our own way, but our Spirit calls us to be tender-hearted and controlled. That’s where our true strength lies.
When the Spirit is in control we see the fruit of love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness and goodness. But when the flesh is out of control we get angry, short-tempered, abrupt, and stressed out."
I’m saying “self control” here because we need to bring our flesh under the subjection of our Spirit. Our flesh wants nothing more than to stomp our feet and have our own way, but our Spirit calls us to be tender-hearted and controlled. That’s where our true strength lies.
When the Spirit is in control we see the fruit of love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness and goodness. But when the flesh is out of control we get angry, short-tempered, abrupt, and stressed out."
~~~~~~
and from Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovich
"We tell our girls that
their feelings are like horses--beautiful, spirited horses. But they
are the riders. We tell them that God gave them this horse when they
were born, and they will ride it their whole life....
When our emotions act up, it is like the horse trying to jump the fence and run down into a yucky place full of spiders to get lost in the dark. A good rider knows what to do when the horse tries to bolt--you pull on the reins!...."
When our emotions act up, it is like the horse trying to jump the fence and run down into a yucky place full of spiders to get lost in the dark. A good rider knows what to do when the horse tries to bolt--you pull on the reins!...."
~~~~~~
29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord. 30 When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. 31 But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. 32 Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the Lord had given him on Mount Sinai.
33 When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. 34 But whenever he entered the Lord’s presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, 35 they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the Lord.
Lord Jesus, this is my desire, that when I have spent time with you, your presence so rubs off on me that You are unmistakable. Please strip away my desire to be "good" and make me instead radiant with Your love, Your grace.
Amen
33 When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. 34 But whenever he entered the Lord’s presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, 35 they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the Lord.
Lord Jesus, this is my desire, that when I have spent time with you, your presence so rubs off on me that You are unmistakable. Please strip away my desire to be "good" and make me instead radiant with Your love, Your grace.
Amen
Tears here. Thank you. Me too! Oh me too, beautiful friend. Right there with you in the trenches but may He use it all to make us radiant with His love and grace! Your vulnerability and honesty are beautiful, my friend. xo
ReplyDeleteLove you, Ann...thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your heart, raw and unedited and real. Jesus' work in your heart and life is beautiful!
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