{ Stretched }

As you can imagine, my life at present doesn't boast a lot of routine. 
It is boasting a lot of emotions!
I like routine, but I'm getting better about letting go of it.  Better, but not great.
Yesterday I reached a boiling point and I stomped by little foot (figuratively) and let God know how frustrated I am about it.  Especially about finding a consistent quiet time.
Life has been really hard for... about a year now.
A lot of positive and negative stress.
The usual: finances, health, work, raising kids.  A colicky baby.  An overhauled diet. You know.
I faced a lack of faith yesterday and fear than everything might not turn out right.
I faced not knowing what God wants from me, which is really fear I'm not meeting up to His expectations.  Which makes me wonder are they His or are they mine?  It makes a difference.
Faced feelings of guilt about not being the mom I want to be.
The wife.
The Christian.
I didn't feel like I was "good" at any of my roles.
Yesterday afternoon and evening with the colicky baby who cried pretty much non-stop had left me in that spent state.
Tim told me he loved me.  Told me I'm a good mom.  Told me to go to sleep when I was frustrated after being up multiple times in the night with both boys.
I fumed... and (eventually) took his advice.
I finally drifted back to sleep with a prayer that God would give me time to spend with Him.
It was one of those desperate, heart-to-heart talks that He so well understands.
I left it there and clung to His promise that He is gracious and slow to anger.  I felt like He had a lot of reason to be upset with me.
Was it all my fault my quiet time isn't consistent?
What about all the times I snap at my kids?  My husband?
But... I reminded myself that  He doesn't give us more than we can handle and His strength is made perfect in weakness.  Even when I don't see how either of those promises can be true in my situation.
Morning came and the rest of today and I want to give God praise that He met my needs and provided time with Him in a very sweet way.
I am always humbled when I find Him so patient and loving when my heart and emotions have been so yucky.
Even when this evening came and those emotions surfaced again.  My pride surfaced.  The challenges mounted.
Still He is loving.  Still He is patient.
Below is what God used to speak to my heart the past few days.
Take some (or all of it) in, if you can.  I hope it blesses you as well. 

Psalm 115 (emphasis mine)

¹ Not to us, Lord, not to us
    but to your name be the glory,
    because of your love and faithfulness.

² Why do the nations say,
    “Where is their God?”
³ Our God is in heaven;
    he does whatever pleases him.
⁴ But their idols are silver and gold,
    made by human hands.
⁵ They have mouths, but cannot speak,
    eyes, but cannot see.
⁶ They have ears, but cannot hear,
    noses, but cannot smell.
⁷ They have hands, but cannot feel,
    feet, but cannot walk,
    nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
⁸ Those who make them will be like them,
    and so will all who trust in them.

⁹ All you Israelites, trust in the Lord—
    he is their help and shield.
¹⁰ House of Aaron, trust in the Lord—
    he is their help and shield.
¹¹ You who fear him, trust in the Lord—
    he is their help and shield.

¹² The Lord remembers us and will bless us:
    He will bless his people Israel,
    he will bless the house of Aaron,
¹³ he will bless those who fear the Lord—
    small and great alike.

¹⁴ May the Lord cause you to flourish,
    both you and your children.
¹⁵ May you be blessed by the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

¹⁶ The highest heavens belong to the Lord,
    but the earth he has given to mankind.
¹⁷ It is not the dead who praise the Lord,
    those who go down to the place of silence;
¹⁸ it is we who extol the Lord,
    both now and forevermore.

Praise the Lord.

 ~~~~~~

Exodus 34:6-7

What God said about Himself:

 ⁶ And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,  

⁷ maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.

  ~~~~~~

This blog post spoke so strongly to my heart.

from here

 "Keeping our cool isn't always easy, but every time we let go and let God we are exercising that muscle of self control.

I’m saying “self control” here because we need to bring our flesh under the subjection of our Spirit. Our flesh wants nothing more than to stomp our feet and have our own way, but our Spirit calls us to be tender-hearted and controlled. That’s where our true strength lies.

When the Spirit is in control we see the fruit of love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness and goodness. But when the flesh is out of control we get angry, short-tempered, abrupt, and stressed out."

  ~~~~~~

and from Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovich 

"We tell our girls that their feelings are like horses--beautiful, spirited horses.  But they are the riders.  We tell them that God gave them this horse when they were born, and they will ride it their whole life....
When our emotions act up, it is like the horse trying to jump the fence and run down into a yucky place full of spiders to get lost in the dark.  A good rider knows what to do when the horse tries to bolt--you pull on the reins!...."

 ~~~~~~

²⁹ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord. ³⁰ When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. ³¹ But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. ³² Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the Lord had given him on Mount Sinai.
³³ When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. ³⁴ But whenever he entered the Lord’s presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, ³⁵ they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the Lord.

Lord Jesus, this is my desire, that when I have spent time with you, your presence so rubs off on me that You are unmistakable.  Please strip away my desire to be "good" and make me instead radiant with Your love, Your grace.
Amen

{ Summer Begins }

It is a beautiful warm and sunny morning as I sit here by myself with a cup of coffee overlooking a lake, nestled in the forest.  The two youngest are napping and Tim and Oliver are off visiting. 

Vacation!

Yesterday we trekked seven hours across the state, our entire little tribe of three under three to join Tim's family for a niece's wedding and family reunion.  We are very glad to be here and so thankful that his mom is finally able to meet our two youngest.  We saw them last night and it was so sweet to hear Oliver calling them Grandpa and Grammie right away, even though we've spent very little time with them in his life, being significantly separated geographically.

The kids have done very well on our trip so far, but let me assure you it has not been completely blissful.  As traveling with little children always is, it has been a lesson in adjusted expectations, making decisions on the fly and trying not to sit down in a heap and cry!  There are always those moments when Tim and I look at each other and ask, "Is it worth it?" But the answer is always yes.
 

We both love to travel and spending time with family is worth sacrificing for.  I really think it is good for the kids to adjust to new surroundings.  We have actually done a surprising amount of traveling since we've had kids.   Thankfully they all do well in the car.  We definitely have those hours of crying to be let out of the carseat, but for the most part we are very blessed in their cooperation.

We are staying at Tim's sister's neighbor's house.  We are very thankful for this gracious accommodation.  It is a challenge to keep track of our kids in an un-childproofed home, which has made it difficult to relax, but I am so thankful that our kids are doing as well as they are.  Whenever we come to a completely new environment I am much more able to see how obedient they are and the areas of training we're doing well in and the ones that still needs improvement.

The weather is supposed to be gorgeous all weekend and into next week, which is just perfect for the vacationing still ahead of us.  This is our "big" trip of the summer so we're planning to make the most of it.  We have friends to visit, a trip to the zoo, a ferry ride and perhaps a stop in Leavenworth planned before we head home. 

It is the beginning of summer!  When we get home Tim's job will transition to summer hours.  We are hopeful that this summer will be lazy, with not much more excitement than a little painting on our house and yard work.  This is the first summer since we've known each other, which is almost five years, that we are not tackling a HUGE home-improvement project.

So here's to summer!  May it be lazy!

{ A Story of Grace :: Part 2 }

It has now been a month since Katy Grace's illness.  Life has been very busy and I have struggled to find the time to sit down and finish this post.  It is a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and I am home from church with the little girl who is still recovering from the sickness that has gone through our family in the past two weeks.  Oliver came down with RSV two weeks ago and it hit him hard.  It was a scary and emotional week nursing him back to health.  Praise the Lord, when the rest of us got it we came through with not much more than a common cold.  It is highly contagious, however, so we have stayed close to home in hopes of not spreading it around.  So here I sit, disappointed to miss another week of church and fellowship, but very overwhelmed with gratitude for the health that is returning to us and for the continued grace that God has shown us through this very challenging past month.  We are so humbled and immensely grateful when we think of just how much God has seen us through and that He saw fit to restore our little daughter so completely to us.

And now to complete this:

It was about 3:30 in the afternoon when we began our drive north.  By that time we had two friends offering up their guest rooms for the night and a dinner waiting for us from a friend of a friend, someone we didn’t even know.  The blessings just did not stop!  Tim and I had so much peace as we drove.  The landscape was breathtaking as the sun was setting pink and turquoise over the snow-covered hills.  We wished we had brought a camera.  During the drive we had time to talk and pray together.  We didn’t know how things would look when we arrived at the hospital.  We were told Katy Grace would either be in ICU or Intermediate, depending upon how she did during the transfer.  We received no calls from the flight crew during our drive, but we were also in spotty reception, but we assumed that no news was good news. 

This was the first time Tim and I had really had a chance to talk since all of this began.  I asked him if he remembered me saying a few weeks earlier that I was having some disturbing thoughts, a feeling that something was going to happen to Katy Grace?  He remembered.  We had taken it to God in prayer at the time, not knowing if it was natural motherhood anxiety and completely unfounded or if in fact we would face something with her in the future.  I don’t profess to have any special “powers”, for lack of a better term, but there have been several times in my life when I have felt God impressing something on my mind that later comes to be.  I told Tim that when the paramedics were at our house and Katy Grace was in the midst of her seizure that God brought that to my mind and very clearly showed me that this was what He had meant by it.  He had wanted me to be prepared and wanted me to be on the lookout.  It was an amazing feeling to know that God had prepared me in some way for this experience.  

When we arrived at the hospital, Katy Grace had just been settled into her room in Intermediate care.  What a relief!  Touching her again and seeing her calm breathing was a sight we were so relieved to see.  She had done great on the flight and she was continuing to stabilize.  She still had not come around at all and was completely unresponsive to us so that was difficult.  I was able to hold her when we arrived.  It was heaven to take her in my arms and feel her next to me again, to be able to provide her comfort.  It was difficult to hold her with all of the monitors connected to her, two IV ports, one in each arm and her little arms restrained in splints.  I hated seeing her like that.  

Not much changed that evening.  She just slept while being closely monitored for fevers and another seizure.  Tim and I finally felt comfortable enough leaving her for a little while to go out for some dinner about 8:30 pm.  It helped a little to be away from the hospital and clear our heads a little.  When we returned she was still sleeping so we settled in for the night and best we could.  I stayed through the night with her and Tim went and stayed with a friend who had offered their guest room up for us.  It was amazing to us that even though all of us were in different places that night, we did not feel separated.  I was completely exhausted by the time I lay down to try and get some sleep.  I lay there for a while, trying not to think, just go to sleep.  It was the first time I was still and quiet enough for my mind to start to process all that had happened and the natural feelings of "what ifs" were overwhelming.  It was then that God reminded me of His promise,
"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you." 
Isaiah 26:3. 
I kept my mind stayed on Him by recounting things from the day that followed the model of Phil. 4:8
"Whatever is true, 
whatever is noble, 
whatever is right, 
whatever is pure, 
whatever is lovely, 
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—
think about such things."
It was then that I was able to drift off to sleep.  It was not great sleep, but it was peaceful.  

As with any hospital experience, we were woken up every four hours when the nurse came in to take her temperature and check her vitals.  It was so hard when Katy would wake up because she was still so groggy and had no idea where she was or what was happening.  She was incredibly strong and it was all I could do to keep her in my arms while she thrashed around and finally fell back to sleep.  At some point in the middle of the night she did wake up enough to smile at me.  I don't think I'll ever forget how beautiful that sight was.

She was scheduled for an EEG about 10 am the next morning, so the doctor had ordered she be woken up at 6 am so that she would be ready to nap at the time of the test.  We woke her up, but it was all I could do to keep her awake and so I just let her fall back to sleep.  The nurse and I woke her up again about 9:30 am and she slept just fine through the test.  All she wanted to do was sleep.  

Tim came back to the hospital in the morning and we had breakfast together in the cafeteria.  Coffee tasted so good that morning, let me tell you!  We spent that day so hopeful that we would be able to go home that day, but it was discouraging as the day wore on.  By the afternoon Katy Grace had come around to being somewhat alert.  She looked at books in the afternoon and tried her best to play with toys.  She went back and forth on being held by Tim and me.  It was a bittersweet time that we were able to spend with her and only her.  A very rare luxury for a second born! 

The EEG was completed and we went back downtown for lunch while Katy napped and we waited for the results.  They came back showing that both sides of the brain were not working together quite like they would like, so the neurologist then ordered an MRI.  Thankfully he got us one that day, the last one of the day and stayed on duty longer in order to read it.  The most they could find was a tiny spot on one half of her brain.  He ruled out a tumor and did not find it necessary to put her on antibiotics.  He said this spot may have been what contributed to the length of the seizure.  We are scheduled to see him again in a month and she will need another MRI in 6 months, but we were released from the hospital at 8:30 pm that night! Praise the Lord!  

We were then allowed to feed her for the first time since noon the day before.  We have always known she likes to eat, but we had never seen the excitement that she showed when we started giving her food there!  She couldn't eat fast enough!  In the matter of about half an hour she consumed 3 Go-Gurts, graham crackers, animal crackers, goldfish crackers, a banana and part of a cheese stick.  She also drank a ton of water.  It was amazing how much better she seemed after eating all of that real food! 

The final challenge before we could leave the hospital was finding a pharmacy somewhere in Spokane that had the correct medicine (an injection medicine that we have to carry with us in the case of another seizure) and the correct dose that was open until at least 9 pm so we could pick it up on our way out of town.  Tim and two nurses were calling all over town trying to find one.  Finally there was ONE way out of the way, but it was closing in 30 minutes.  We quickly signed the release papers, got our little girl dressed, gathered out things and basically ran to the car.  We arrived at the pharmacy 5 minutes before they closed!  But then we were on our way home!  I don't know how Tim managed to drive home and stay awake!  Katy Grace and I fell asleep almost as soon as we got in the car.  

Oliver was asleep when we arrived home, but I tiptoed in and kissed him, so thankful to be back home with both of our children.  I then collapsed in my own bed, snuggled up to Katy Grace who was sleeping so contentedly, free of any wires or IV's, thank you, Jesus!  

The next couple of days she was still very unstable on her feet and not able to walk, which really confused her.  We monitored her very closely for the return of a fever and waited for our little girl to be completely restored to her happy little self.  That Sunday we were able to take her to church.  It was amazing to be confident enough in her health at that point to be able to put her in the nursery.  We were absolutely humbled and blessed by the body of believers who had been praying so much for us over the week.  

Tim had requested that the elders pray over Katy Grace, so after the service we gathered with them.  We spent a time of recounting God's blessings throughout this ordeal and then praying for her.  She was doing really well by then, but still did not have that spark that she had had before the seizure.  By the time they had finished praying, however, it had returned.  We could tell that she was restored completely.  It was truly miraculous!  All glory to God!

Now as we go on from here, wading through the finances and the paperwork, trusting God to meet our needs, we look back at this time as one of testing but also of great blessing.  We saw God at work in truly miraculous ways.  We don't take the time we have with our children for granted so much.  We value our health and the days we have together a lot more.  Our greatest desire is that God receives from us the growth He desires out of this.  We have weathered a huge storm and God is good!

{ A Story of Grace :: Part 1 }

Today is two weeks since the day that Katy Grace suffered her seizure and our lives changed drastically for about 48 hours and in some ways forever.  I have wanted to write this post ever since that day.  I want it as a testimony of the grace that God poured out on us.  It is a little difficult to figure out exactly what to say, however.  How do I sum it up in a concise posting and have it accurately convey all that happened?  There is so much: the details, the miracles, the prayers and the love that has not just showered on us but poured.  It is very, very humbling.

Her seizure happened on Tuesday, but the Sunday afternoon before she woke up from her nap with a fever and started being more clingy and irritable, not really acting sick, just not herself.  It was the same through Monday.  We didn't do a whole lot that day but snuggle.  She was very uncharacteristically fussy at bedtime and had to be held to go to sleep.  Usually she just lays down on her pillow with her blanky and that's it.  The next morning, Tuesday, she seemed better, but we were debating whether we should take her to the doctor since the fever and irritability were keeping on.  Her fever had stayed relatively low the whole time, though so we opted just to keep her hydrated and keep an eye on her.

She took a very long morning nap that day, close to four hours so I was a little uneasy.  When she woke up, her fever was the highest it had been and she was obviously very unhappy, but I fed all of us lunch.  Tim and I talked on the phone and I was walking around the house with her nestled up against my shoulder.  I set her down at one point to do something and she was just standing there in the middle of the floor while Oliver happily and noisily ran back and forth.  She wasn't very responsive until it seemed like she had gotten scared by something.  She made a very unusual noise so I immediately picked her up to comfort her.  Thank you Jesus I was there to pick her up just then, because that is when the seizure started.

I cannot even describe the horrible feeling of feeling her in my arms, go stiff and lifeless and unresponsive.  I started calling her name, rubbing her, begging her to come back.  She had started turning purple so I ran to call Tim, still not sure what was happening.  Somehow, by the grace of God by the time I got my phone I knew what I was seeing and immediately called 911.  Shallow to no breath and her lips and hands turning blue, her eyes rolled to the side.  It was the part of so many stories I had heard and ached over.  The helpless, gut-wrenching feeling that I was the one who was her only hope to save her life.  Every second counted, every decision was critical.  I know now that God was right there.  I felt His presence so intensely.  I knew, somehow I would be given the answers and would know how to save her life.

I am so thankful for the dispatcher that I reached on the phone.  She calmly walked me through what I should do until the paramedics arrived.  She kept me from panicking.  This whole time, Oliver was right there.  He was angelic.  He wasn't scared or in the way.  He just watched calmly from a distance.  God gave him His grace as well.   I laid her on the floor, my hand supporting her head to help her breathe.  My ear was as close to her mouth as possible to hear her breaths that were coming irregularly and shallow. 

Never before had the sound of sirens been so welcome or the sight of 7 or 8 emergency response people crowding into our dining room.  They told me it was a febrile seizure as soon as they arrived, which was only 5-10 minutes after it had started.  We live just above the fire station so the wait was not long.  Another praise!  I had never heard of a febrile seizure until then, but now I know that it is a fairly common thing for little children.  If it lasts for 5 minutes or less it is normal and not dangerous.  By the time they arrived, however, it had been at least 10 minutes and Katy Grace was still seizing.  She was dehydrated and had to be put on an IV immediately.

After any seizure a state of sleepiness, called post dictol sets in, so they were monitoring her to see if that was what was happening to her or if there was something more significant going on.  About then they started talking about transferring her to the hospital.  I think I really started to lose my sense of calm about then.  I think that in the back of my mind I didn't expect that.  I thought the EMTs would come and help her, she would stabilize and all would be well.  They started talking about needing to give her a seizure medicine to get it to stop, but for some reason were very reluctant to do so.  It is all a little fuzzy in my memory.  All I could think about was wanting to see her eyes recognize me and respond to my voice. 

At this point I called Tim.  He still knew nothing about any of this.  Only 15 minutes before we had talked and everything seemed like a normal sickness.  I cannot even imagine receiving a phone call like that and being 20 minutes away, helpless to do anything, but of course he came as fast as possible.  Another detail was that a few days before our second vehicle had gone into repair and was undriveable.  I had no car and no car seats.  Tim felt terrible for having left us "stranded", but all I could see was God's provision.  Had I had the car, I may have been tempted to drive her to the hospital initially and now in retrospect I realize how dangerous that may have been.  Because I didn't have a car seat for Oliver, however, he could not ride in the ambulance with us.  There is no feeling like the decision of having to leave one child behind with strangers to go with the other.  Thankfully I knew that Tim was less than 10 minutes away by then.  Oliver seemed to completely understand.  He was so brave and didn't question what I was telling him.  He was very thrilled by the police badge sticker and fireman hat they had given him, as well as the vehicles outside.

It was a beautiful snowy day.  I remember the crisp, clear blue skies and the cold but brilliant sunshine as we made our way out to the ambulance.  This was my first time to ride in one, certainly to be in one in an emergency situation.  Thankfully we live only 5 minutes from the hospital.  Katy's seizure still had not stopped during the drive so she was given a dose of Ativan to try and stop it.  It was unsuccessful.  When we arrived at the hospital she was rushed into the room where there were at least a 6-7 person medical team waiting for her.  I stayed with her, holding her hand, telling her I loved her over and over.  At one point they asked me to sit off to the side so they could have all the room needed to work on her.  I was very impressed by the competence of the medical staff, so was not put off by that, of course, but it was so hard to feel so helpless.  To know that no one there loved her like I do, yet I was the most powerless to help.  Seeing her little body still blue/purple, stripped down, with IVs and tubes all over her, the seizure still shaking her little limbs.  It is something I never wish on any mother. 

Before too long, Tim arrived with Oliver.  There was immediate comfort just being all together again.  It was pretty much a whirlwind in there.  We started making phone calls to friends to come take Oliver while we tried to reach my parents.  The support we had around us was immediately overwhelming, and I mean overwhelming in a good way.  In the course of the next hour we had a friend there to take Oliver and another lined up as back up, one of our pastors came to pray with us and everyone we spoke to over the phone was praying for us.  Talking about it later, Tim and I both felt that we were being lifted literally above the circumstances and held by God's comfort and wisdom.  There is no earthly way we could have otherwise dealt with this situation as calmly and as clear headed as we were able to do.  I can honestly say it was one of the most peaceful times I have experienced in life.  None but God could do that!

Because the seizure would not stop, the doctor made the decision to give her a very strong second medicine, Phenobarbital, which stopped it finally, praise the Lord!  It had lasted about 50 minutes total.  About that time we were told she needed to be life flighted to Spokane to the Children's hospital there, because of the length of her seizure and the need to monitor her closely in the event of another seizure.  Had she needed to be put on a ventilator, our hospital was not equipped to deal with a pediatric case.  So the decision was made.  Tim and I decided to drive together, as I was not allowed to fly this far along in my pregnancy.  Oliver had gone back home by then and we were waiting for my mom to arrive to take care of him until we were able to return from Spokane, not knowing how long that would be. 

Thankfully Katy Grace was stable by the time the life flight arrived.  Her cat scan had come back negative, so as long as the seizures didn't start up again she was as normal as could be under the circumstances.  We signed the necessary paperwork and kissed our little daughter good-bye and hurried home to pack a few things, get gas and make the 2 hour drive to be with her again.  I could not allow my mind to dwell on the fact that I was leaving our daughter and driving away without her.  That helpless feeling that wrenches a mom's heart  At the same time, though, there was deep, deep peace in both of our hearts.

This was the first part of the journey.  To be continued........

{ Perspetive }

I am sitting here, waiting to put bread in the oven.  So thankful it is just one more sign that life is returning to normal.
I am a little sad it has taken me this long to acknowledge on here anything that has transpired this past week, but life has been very, very busy.  Busy getting our feet back under us and busy with the ordinary parts of life.  I am incredibly thankful that I have two toddlers keeping me on my toes and running.  So thankful that they are healthy and thriving and normal.  Praise the Lord! 
What a lot one week can hold.
Part of me wants to recount everything that transpired, because I never want to forget how good God is and how He has carried us.
Part of me wants to wait for a while, until the emotions settle.  I'm not sure I'm ready to relive all of the hard parts all over again just yet.
Can I just say for now that my perspective is new and for that I am so very grateful?  I am waking up everyday now with a deep thankfulness that I am mothering both of my precious children.  I am not taking a day for granted.  Oh, how I want this perspective to last!
I am intensely grateful that despite the less than ideal circumstances, I had 48 hours to think only about Katy Grace and hold her and talk to her and love on her.  It's such a precious blessing that is all too rare with a second born. 
I am thankful for a clean house, or at least one that is on its way there.  Most of all, I'm thankful that I'm much more quick to build playdough cars with Oliver or snuggle Katy Grace than finish the dishes.
I couldn't believe how happy I was this morning, putting away clothes in the kids' dressers, rinsing out dirty diapers and sweeping up crumbs.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I don't just love doing those things, but I've never really been so thankful and happy that those tasks never end!
Well, dinner needs to be started and I think the oven is hot.  I will be back, hopefully soon.

{ Disappointment }

On December 15 we hosted our annual Christmas open house. 

Honestly, I have put off posting about it because I have been hoping I could get to the place 

of giving it a glowing review, but I haven't.  

It was a disappointment for me, for the most part. 

It was a lot of work to prepare for and we didn't end up having very many guests. 

 Thankfully Tim feels like it was a success, at least to a large degree. 

I am grateful for that because I have just not gotten past being disappointed. 

 I have dealt with feeling guilty for that perspective. Somehow it doesn't seem "okay" to feel disappointed. 

I think I should be able to put on my happy face. 

Not sure why I expect that of myself all the time. 

In the grand scheme of things, this holiday season has been extremely rich and fulfilling, 

easily one of my favorite Christmas seasons ever, so one event that didn't come off like I would have wanted is not the end of the world. 

We combined Katy Grace's 1st birthday party with this Christmas party since it was her actual birthday. Because of that, I know I had much higher expectations. 

Obviously she isn't old enough to really care about her party so of course she wasn't disappointed. 

1st birthdays are, however, much more for the mom, in all reality, and all I could think was, 

"This is how it's going to be every year because her birthday falls so close to Christmas." 

We ended up having a good amount of people for her party, 

but the first hour of our party no one had showed up 

and the last three hours before the party was supposed to start, we had five families cancel. 

 I was in tears by the time the party started, 

but after praying with Tim that we would be grateful for however the party went, 

I was able to put my disappointment aside enough to focus on Katy's birthday, 

knowing I didn't want to ruin the memory of it. 

I had a smile on by the time people arrived. 

Our guests all came in the same hour and left together, for the most part, 

so it was a shorter party than we were prepared for, 

but it ended up being nice that we could put the kids to sleep at their usual time 

and have time to just relax in the evening. 

It took me a few days to sort out my emotions about my overall perspective. 

I analyzed and re-analyzed the event until I was driving Tim crazy. 

It is good to finally get this post underway. 

It should help to move on.

 I wish I could always have fond memories of this things I do in my life, but that isn't realistic. 

No one ever can. 

I am grateful that our guests seemed to have a good time. 

 I am glad we went to the effort to throw a party. 

I am thankful for the guests who came and for their joy in celebrating Katy's birthday with us. 

I am thankful for the friends who couldn't come, too and sorry that sickness kept so many away. 

I will post another blog soon with details of Katy Grace's birthday, 

but for now here are a few pictures of the party.

{ October :: A Little of This and That }

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How can it already be October and next month November?

We're only a little over a week into Autumn, but I feel like I've left summer completely behind.

I do love this time of year.  It holds a special magic for me because Tim and I met and married and had both of our kids in this season.  We've started up our wood stove again and whenever I smell the wood smoke it carries me back to my first few months of marriage, new to this town, new to this life and I just love those memories.

~

According to custom in our household, this time of year also marks the end of VERY major home projects.  When we got married we were installing a wood stove.

Year One:  We insulated our house

Year Two:  No major projects, but serious uncertainty on the job front

Year Three:  We are installing a new furnace (specifics here)

Seeing these projects in list form like this doesn't look so bad, but they have stretched us and challenged us to our limits, especially this present one.  We've been at it since May, and I don't exaggerate when I say that it has eaten up nearly every weekend since then.  In the past month, month-and-a-half, it has eaten up nearly every evening with Tim also coming home at lunch to work on it.  This is easily the most challenging thing we've experienced as a couple and as homeowners.  We are so thankful that it has brought us closer together and been so very good in a lot of ways.  We've both grown up a lot, but man is it painful!  We now see the end in sight.  Tomorrow is the projected hook-up day.  We can't wait to push that button and hear the furnace turn on and have our evenings back!

~

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After a difficult few years of trying to adjust to a new town and a new area, I am so thankful for the church and church family that God has blessed us with.  It feels so good to have women around me that I can talk to and hang out with and to see relationships building in my kids lives as well.  It is a serious answer to prayer.  Included in this is participating in a weekly Beth Moore Bible study.  I have done several in the past and am just loving getting back into one.  I so need the motivation and accountability that these studies provide.

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~

Being a mom remains one of my favorite things about life.  Lately though, and I'm sure many of you can relate, I haven't felt particularly good at it.  I am being challenged in all new ways as my sweet little ones develop and move onto new stages.  Pretty much I feel like I'm in survival mode a lot of the time.  I just have to remember that they are God's best for me and I am His best for them and He makes up the difference.  I am so, so thankful for that when I've yelled and cried and ended up in a heap of exasperation.  In my weakness He is strong!

~

We're looking forward to many things this month:

~A trip to the pumpkin patch, hay ride and corn maze.  Hoping this means caramel apples, too!

~A special, long weekend away to the coast and time with my parents, sister, aunt and uncle, just sorry Tim won't be with us

~Oliver's second birthday party.  It's all about trains this year! 

~

Now to let you in on a little secret... a sweet little miracle is going to join our family and make us five come April!  Pink or blue?  No clue.  Just have to wait and see!

 ~

I'm enjoying wearing jackets again

Snuggling up in blankets

Sharing pie and a cup of tea with Tim after the kids go to bed.  French Pear Pie to be specific.  Dangerously good!

The new season of "Once Upon a Time"

Play dates

Bible study homework and good conversations with my husband

Orchard-fresh produce

Playing outside

~

It's a Happy October

{ To Start at the Beginning & Day 2 }

After beginning the retelling of our trip to Glacier, Tim and I realized that down the road, when we remember back to this time, we wouldn't fully appreciate it unless I also include something about getting ready to go.  There was SO much that went into planning and preparing for this vacation, it is really kind of amazing.
In January we started making plans, doing research and booking reservations.
In February Tim began ordering parts to rebuild the front end of our Jeep, because it wasn't going to comfortably get us to and from without them.  He worked on it off and on until it was finished.

{ I love these pictures of Oliver helping his daddy.  He wants so much to be just like him! }

We also began the process of applying for passports for the kids, as we were also heading to Canada and Waterton Park.  While doing that, thankfully I discovered that Tim's was about to expire!  So thankful we didn't find that out at the border!
About a month before the trip, we had the AC fixed, twice.  We knew we didn't want to travel at the end of July with two kids without it.  Ha, ha, the best laid plans sometimes go to waste.... but more on that later!
We also began training the kids to sleep in the same room again.  We had many nights of crying and exasperation, but finally we got over that hurdle, only to throw in simultaneous teething and colds about a week before we were going to leave!
Many, many times it felt like maybe this was just way more work than it was worth, but I guess there is always that question with anything.

Now on to Tuesday, Day 2

After a fairly peaceful first day on the road, it would be nice to say that we all got a good night sleep and were bright eyed and bushy tailed for the next day.  Alas, that first night away from their beds and their routine, completely threw the kids off.  They were awake, taking turns for four straight hours during the night.  It wasn't until sometime the next morning that we put two and two together and realized Oliver had indulged a little too much in the fresh cherries my aunt had to offer.  Between Tim, me, and my aunt, we had fed him a very good size bowl, which resulted in a serious tummy ache!  Poor guy!  At least their was a reason for all that wakefulness, but it sure made getting going and enjoying the next day quite challenging!

The biggest lesson we learned on this trip was that every day there was a major obstacle to overcome.  There was always something significant that threatened to ruin the day and make us wish we'd just stayed home.  We very consciously had to work through the obstacle and look past it and move on.  It was a really good discipline and in the end, we felt like this trip helped us to function much better as a family unit.

The day we entered Glacier it was cold and cloudy.  It made for some great photography, but not so much for hiking.  At the top of the Going to the Sun Road, when we got out for a break, it was in the 50s and windy, making the air temperature much closer to 30s.  

 { Driving up the Going to the Sun road.  We had to stop for a bit, so Oliver took a turn "driving". }

 { Sunrift Gorge }

We didn't get out of the car a whole lot that day.  It seemed like the kids would just fall asleep when we would find somewhere we'd want to stop, and naps were a much higher priority!  We did stop at this gorge, though.  It was amazingly beautiful!

We stayed the night at the Swiftcurrent Motor Inn.  A couple of weeks before we left on the trip, we decided we should stay one more night inside the park, rather than just the one we had planned.  This was the last room anywhere in the park for that night!  We enjoyed it very much.  It was rustic, but had the amenities that made it a little bit like camping, but not! 

 The kids slept much better that night and actually slept in.  I went out before anyone was awake the next morning and brought back coffee for Tim and I.  We enjoyed it together on on the stoop outside our door, listening to the sounds of the forest and watching the sun come up on the mountains.  It felt luxurious.  Then we went back inside and said good morning to these two "best of friends"!

 { Wake up, Sister! }

Okay, that's a little of day three as well.  More to come......

{ Streams in the Desert }

It wasn't until after I had snapped this picture to go along with this post that I realized how appropriate it is!  It has been a long road these past three years to find a new set of friends and too feel like I belong here.  Since I moved away from my home church and group of friends to get married there has been an emptiness and a lot of confusion about what God's purpose is in this very dry time.  It has been a very sweet time to grow in my marriage, to really see my husband as my best friend and enjoy his company above everything else, but there has still been this nagging desire for friends.  Since our kids came along I have been increasingly desirous of plugging in with a good set of friends, not only for my sake, but for our kids.  I have tried a lot of different avenues to plug in, but it has just seemed to go nowhere.  Until now.  I have a sweet assurance, a peace, that God is bringing this about in His time.  He has been hearing the desire of my heart and leading me by baby steps.  In the past 2-3 weeks friendships have begun to bloom.  For the first time I can honestly look at my life and say that friends are a part of it.  I just wanted to take a minute to express my gratitude, to say "thank you".  He really does make everything beautiful in His time.

{A Change in Plans}

This weekend was one of changing plans and just going with the flow. It was one of those times when the best laid plans were completely turned upside down, but in the end became a blessing. Tim regularly prays, at the beginning of our day, that God will place our steps. I learned this weekend that too often I live, believing God will direct, but "of course" He will fit it in with the plans we have made for the day. Silly... and presumptuous, I know!

Saturday evening we had a birthday party to go to, but the rest of the day we were spending accomplishing tasks. Tim was going to cut wood. I was going to bake. Somewhere in the preparations, Tim threw out his back. Terribly. He could only limp in to lie on the couch, grimacing in pain.

He called our chiropractor and was able to make an appointment for late afternoon. Our plans quickly transitioned to going to my parent's house, 45 min. away to wait for the appointment and try to get some Christmas shopping done. By the time we made it to the car, however, Tim could barely walk. By the time we made it to my parent's house, shopping was no longer an option. It was quite heart-wrenching to see him in so much pain. All we could do was count the minutes until his appointment.

The blessing of this forced relaxation was that we were able to just visit with my parents uninterrupted. We've wanted to do this for a long time, but it seems like we're always in the middle of a big project or have limited time. It was nice just to sit and visit and let them have Oliver time.

After the adjustment, Tim was only a little improved and the doctor recommended not driving all the way home. He wanted to see him again Sunday afternoon. How thankful we are for a doctor who will see him in an emergency on the weekend! Of course, my parents were elated to have Oliver overnight... and us too!

The only problem was, we weren't prepared for an overnight stay, so while the guys went to Costco, my mom and I drove back home to gather what we needed to stay over. It was just getting dark and by the time we made it up the grade, snow was beginning to fall, with slush accumulating on the roads. We got home, ran around like crazy gathering everything up, fed Oliver, and got back on the road. How thankful I was to have my mom along for company and moral support, especially when we encountered fog on top of winter conditions.

Tim felt a little better by the time we arrived back, so we decided to take advantage of Grandma and Grandpa's generosity and went out on a little date. We visited a new little wine bar downtown and enjoyed some live jazz. Afterward, we walked through the Christmas lights at the park. When we arrived back, we found Grandma and Oliver snuggled up on the couch (he had slept the whole time) and my dad making breakfast for the next morning. He had also made dinner earlier!

Next morning, I visited my old church, my parent's church now, and was blessed to introduce Oliver to all my friends there. My dad, the proud grandpa, held his grandson up for the congregation to see during the service. So sweet!

After the second adjustment that afternoon, Tim felt a lot better, though he is not all the way there yet. It turned out to be a good weekend. We headed home yesterday afternoon to prepare for the dinner party we hosted last evening for the OCF (Officer Christian Fellowship) cadets (and a girlfriend) . We had a great time. It was a blessing to provide them a family-style Christmas dinner. It was encouraging to realize that in spite of the discouraging state of our country at times, God is still calling very high-caliber, committed Christians to service in our military. It gives me hope.

{ The Christmas hat on the right was the best one I've ever seen... it did a song and dance! }

{We even had MacDonalds employees show up to carol for us. I think they were a little
intimidated by the amount of people that filed onto our porch!}

Although it's not the best of circumstances, Tim is taking today off. We are all so happy to be spending a quiet day at home together.

In the past couple of days Oliver has really started smiling! He doesn't do it all the time, but there are those precious moments when I can look into his beautiful, big eyes and see him smile up at me. This morning we had a very sweet rock and sing time. Being his mommy is just so wonderful! Of course, there are incredibly challenging times, when I feel overwhelmed, but those good times make up for it.

{ Going out for a drive to see Christmas lights a few nights ago. This suits
makes Tim think of the bunny suit in "A Christmas Story" }



{ Speaking of "A Christmas Story"! This lamp sits in all it's glory in our parlor }

Fudge and bon bon making was a huge success. The fudge took me no more than 5 min. from start to finish. To think of all the years I've gone without it! And the bon bons, oh my! Delicious!