{ A Story of Grace :: Part 1 }

Today is two weeks since the day that Katy Grace suffered her seizure and our lives changed drastically for about 48 hours and in some ways forever.  I have wanted to write this post ever since that day.  I want it as a testimony of the grace that God poured out on us.  It is a little difficult to figure out exactly what to say, however.  How do I sum it up in a concise posting and have it accurately convey all that happened?  There is so much: the details, the miracles, the prayers and the love that has not just showered on us but poured.  It is very, very humbling.

Her seizure happened on Tuesday, but the Sunday afternoon before she woke up from her nap with a fever and started being more clingy and irritable, not really acting sick, just not herself.  It was the same through Monday.  We didn't do a whole lot that day but snuggle.  She was very uncharacteristically fussy at bedtime and had to be held to go to sleep.  Usually she just lays down on her pillow with her blanky and that's it.  The next morning, Tuesday, she seemed better, but we were debating whether we should take her to the doctor since the fever and irritability were keeping on.  Her fever had stayed relatively low the whole time, though so we opted just to keep her hydrated and keep an eye on her.

She took a very long morning nap that day, close to four hours so I was a little uneasy.  When she woke up, her fever was the highest it had been and she was obviously very unhappy, but I fed all of us lunch.  Tim and I talked on the phone and I was walking around the house with her nestled up against my shoulder.  I set her down at one point to do something and she was just standing there in the middle of the floor while Oliver happily and noisily ran back and forth.  She wasn't very responsive until it seemed like she had gotten scared by something.  She made a very unusual noise so I immediately picked her up to comfort her.  Thank you Jesus I was there to pick her up just then, because that is when the seizure started.

I cannot even describe the horrible feeling of feeling her in my arms, go stiff and lifeless and unresponsive.  I started calling her name, rubbing her, begging her to come back.  She had started turning purple so I ran to call Tim, still not sure what was happening.  Somehow, by the grace of God by the time I got my phone I knew what I was seeing and immediately called 911.  Shallow to no breath and her lips and hands turning blue, her eyes rolled to the side.  It was the part of so many stories I had heard and ached over.  The helpless, gut-wrenching feeling that I was the one who was her only hope to save her life.  Every second counted, every decision was critical.  I know now that God was right there.  I felt His presence so intensely.  I knew, somehow I would be given the answers and would know how to save her life.

I am so thankful for the dispatcher that I reached on the phone.  She calmly walked me through what I should do until the paramedics arrived.  She kept me from panicking.  This whole time, Oliver was right there.  He was angelic.  He wasn't scared or in the way.  He just watched calmly from a distance.  God gave him His grace as well.   I laid her on the floor, my hand supporting her head to help her breathe.  My ear was as close to her mouth as possible to hear her breaths that were coming irregularly and shallow. 

Never before had the sound of sirens been so welcome or the sight of 7 or 8 emergency response people crowding into our dining room.  They told me it was a febrile seizure as soon as they arrived, which was only 5-10 minutes after it had started.  We live just above the fire station so the wait was not long.  Another praise!  I had never heard of a febrile seizure until then, but now I know that it is a fairly common thing for little children.  If it lasts for 5 minutes or less it is normal and not dangerous.  By the time they arrived, however, it had been at least 10 minutes and Katy Grace was still seizing.  She was dehydrated and had to be put on an IV immediately.

After any seizure a state of sleepiness, called post dictol sets in, so they were monitoring her to see if that was what was happening to her or if there was something more significant going on.  About then they started talking about transferring her to the hospital.  I think I really started to lose my sense of calm about then.  I think that in the back of my mind I didn't expect that.  I thought the EMTs would come and help her, she would stabilize and all would be well.  They started talking about needing to give her a seizure medicine to get it to stop, but for some reason were very reluctant to do so.  It is all a little fuzzy in my memory.  All I could think about was wanting to see her eyes recognize me and respond to my voice. 

At this point I called Tim.  He still knew nothing about any of this.  Only 15 minutes before we had talked and everything seemed like a normal sickness.  I cannot even imagine receiving a phone call like that and being 20 minutes away, helpless to do anything, but of course he came as fast as possible.  Another detail was that a few days before our second vehicle had gone into repair and was undriveable.  I had no car and no car seats.  Tim felt terrible for having left us "stranded", but all I could see was God's provision.  Had I had the car, I may have been tempted to drive her to the hospital initially and now in retrospect I realize how dangerous that may have been.  Because I didn't have a car seat for Oliver, however, he could not ride in the ambulance with us.  There is no feeling like the decision of having to leave one child behind with strangers to go with the other.  Thankfully I knew that Tim was less than 10 minutes away by then.  Oliver seemed to completely understand.  He was so brave and didn't question what I was telling him.  He was very thrilled by the police badge sticker and fireman hat they had given him, as well as the vehicles outside.

It was a beautiful snowy day.  I remember the crisp, clear blue skies and the cold but brilliant sunshine as we made our way out to the ambulance.  This was my first time to ride in one, certainly to be in one in an emergency situation.  Thankfully we live only 5 minutes from the hospital.  Katy's seizure still had not stopped during the drive so she was given a dose of Ativan to try and stop it.  It was unsuccessful.  When we arrived at the hospital she was rushed into the room where there were at least a 6-7 person medical team waiting for her.  I stayed with her, holding her hand, telling her I loved her over and over.  At one point they asked me to sit off to the side so they could have all the room needed to work on her.  I was very impressed by the competence of the medical staff, so was not put off by that, of course, but it was so hard to feel so helpless.  To know that no one there loved her like I do, yet I was the most powerless to help.  Seeing her little body still blue/purple, stripped down, with IVs and tubes all over her, the seizure still shaking her little limbs.  It is something I never wish on any mother. 

Before too long, Tim arrived with Oliver.  There was immediate comfort just being all together again.  It was pretty much a whirlwind in there.  We started making phone calls to friends to come take Oliver while we tried to reach my parents.  The support we had around us was immediately overwhelming, and I mean overwhelming in a good way.  In the course of the next hour we had a friend there to take Oliver and another lined up as back up, one of our pastors came to pray with us and everyone we spoke to over the phone was praying for us.  Talking about it later, Tim and I both felt that we were being lifted literally above the circumstances and held by God's comfort and wisdom.  There is no earthly way we could have otherwise dealt with this situation as calmly and as clear headed as we were able to do.  I can honestly say it was one of the most peaceful times I have experienced in life.  None but God could do that!

Because the seizure would not stop, the doctor made the decision to give her a very strong second medicine, Phenobarbital, which stopped it finally, praise the Lord!  It had lasted about 50 minutes total.  About that time we were told she needed to be life flighted to Spokane to the Children's hospital there, because of the length of her seizure and the need to monitor her closely in the event of another seizure.  Had she needed to be put on a ventilator, our hospital was not equipped to deal with a pediatric case.  So the decision was made.  Tim and I decided to drive together, as I was not allowed to fly this far along in my pregnancy.  Oliver had gone back home by then and we were waiting for my mom to arrive to take care of him until we were able to return from Spokane, not knowing how long that would be. 

Thankfully Katy Grace was stable by the time the life flight arrived.  Her cat scan had come back negative, so as long as the seizures didn't start up again she was as normal as could be under the circumstances.  We signed the necessary paperwork and kissed our little daughter good-bye and hurried home to pack a few things, get gas and make the 2 hour drive to be with her again.  I could not allow my mind to dwell on the fact that I was leaving our daughter and driving away without her.  That helpless feeling that wrenches a mom's heart  At the same time, though, there was deep, deep peace in both of our hearts.

This was the first part of the journey.  To be continued........

{ Perspetive }

I am sitting here, waiting to put bread in the oven.  So thankful it is just one more sign that life is returning to normal.
I am a little sad it has taken me this long to acknowledge on here anything that has transpired this past week, but life has been very, very busy.  Busy getting our feet back under us and busy with the ordinary parts of life.  I am incredibly thankful that I have two toddlers keeping me on my toes and running.  So thankful that they are healthy and thriving and normal.  Praise the Lord! 
What a lot one week can hold.
Part of me wants to recount everything that transpired, because I never want to forget how good God is and how He has carried us.
Part of me wants to wait for a while, until the emotions settle.  I'm not sure I'm ready to relive all of the hard parts all over again just yet.
Can I just say for now that my perspective is new and for that I am so very grateful?  I am waking up everyday now with a deep thankfulness that I am mothering both of my precious children.  I am not taking a day for granted.  Oh, how I want this perspective to last!
I am intensely grateful that despite the less than ideal circumstances, I had 48 hours to think only about Katy Grace and hold her and talk to her and love on her.  It's such a precious blessing that is all too rare with a second born. 
I am thankful for a clean house, or at least one that is on its way there.  Most of all, I'm thankful that I'm much more quick to build playdough cars with Oliver or snuggle Katy Grace than finish the dishes.
I couldn't believe how happy I was this morning, putting away clothes in the kids' dressers, rinsing out dirty diapers and sweeping up crumbs.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I don't just love doing those things, but I've never really been so thankful and happy that those tasks never end!
Well, dinner needs to be started and I think the oven is hot.  I will be back, hopefully soon.

{ A Very Merry Christmas }

It seems a little odd to do a Christmas post at this point, but unless I had posted Christmas night, I guess I had to run into this problem! So, here goes one more look back at 2012!

Tim and I both agree that this Christmas season was the best we have ever spent in our lives thus far. That is a bold statement, I know, but it is true! It was truly very rich and fulfilling. I think what I loved most was that we stayed busy with Christmasy things. We were doing something every weekend up until the weekend before Christmas, but it didn't feel busy or hectic, just festive.  Another element that contributed a lot to the richness was having our two little children really beginning to appreciate all that Christmas includes.  There is something truly magical about children at Christmas!

{ this picture is a little fuzzy, but I love it because I think it captures that wonder }

The first weekend of December we spent getting our Christmas tree and decorating.  We also attended our first Christmas party. 

 ~

The following weekend we spent a family Christmas day in the city {here}.

 ~

Tim and I read "A Christmas Carol" together, the first time for both of us.

We watched lots of Christmas movies.

~

The following weekend was Katy Grace's first birthday party and our annual Christmas party.  Tim and I were also thrilled to see Handel's Messiah live for the first time!  It was spectacular.  We attended a performance at an historic Catholic church.  It was the perfect setting for such an event.... other than the very hard, wooden benches we sat on for three hours!  We had dinner out together before picking up our littles.  A wonderful Christmas date!

~

The Friday before Christmas we invited our long-time family friends over for an early Christmas dinner and presents.  Tim lived with this family for over 10 years in his bachelor days and is Uncle Tim to their kids.  Kurtis and Karli are pretty much the closest thing our kids have to cousins, so they're very special!  We also watched "A Christmas Story".  A must-watch Christmas movie for us.  I mean, we even own "the lamp"!

Then came Christmas!

December 23 will always be a very sweet memory for us.  We spent the evening as a family.  Fire blazing, listening to Bing Crosby on the Victrola, playing carols on my violin, snuggling on the couch, watching the kids play contentedly together.  It was a good old-fashioned feeling.  To top it all off, when we looked outside, it had begun to snow.  It was almost too good to be true!  We went to bed with it still falling and woke up on Christmas Eve to a white winter wonderland!  Truly storybook.

Christmas Eve day, my family came and spent the day with us, including my sister Bethany (Auntie B) who had flown in the night before.  I made brunch: baked omelet, cinnamon rolls, bacon, fresh pineapple and tangerines and of course coffee with plenty of egg nog.  

 Tim was happily able to use his new snow blower for the first time.

Yes, I dressed the kids up as elves on Christmas Eve... just because I could!  They loved it!

Then of course there was snowman building.

The guys started first, while sister watched eagerly from the window.  I love this picture of the little face in the window.  It looks just like last year when Oliver was watching from inside.

Before long, Katy Grace and I joined in the fun.  It was her first time to experience snow.  She thought it was pretty amazing.

{ Then there were naps and snuggles with Auntie B }

{ Snuggles with Daddy }

My family left in the early evening and we all went to our own churches for Christmas Eve Services and then spent Christmas morning at our own houses before joining up again Christmas day.

{ Christmas Eve, our neighbor's house all lit up }

{ Our house "

{ Christmas morning }

{ The day dawned beautifully with very cold but brilliant sunshine }

We drove down to my parent's house in the early afternoon.  We decided to take the long, scenic route.  Tim and I had driven it the very first Christmas we spent together.  That was five Christmases ago.  It hardly seems possible we have been together that long.  What a lot has happened since then!  That drive, five years ago, was when we had our "we are in a serious/exclusive relationship talk", when we knew that if everything kept going ahead, we were headed toward marriage.  That day was also brilliantly sunny.  Such a happy drive down memory lane and pretty special as we remembered it and kept looking in the backseat at our two little blessings with one on the way!  Wow!

{ Opening gifts at Grammie and Bapa's with Auntie B }

{ We finished the night off with a trip to the train park to see the lights }

{ Tim asked me to dance on the little platform there.  Again such sweet memories of our first time there together five years before when we danced and were falling in love. }

 A good end to a wonderful Christmas season!

Now on to 2013!

{ Katy Grace :: 1 Year Old }

Our little Katy Grace is 1 year old!
It is hard to believe, for sure.
I am amazed by the richness of this past year in so many ways,
but largely due to her sweet presence and development.
I can't imagine life without her, without a daughter.

I have never really been into pink,
but in this past year I have found myself rediscovering it
and appreciating it in a whole new way.
There are many days that Katy Grace is dressed head-to-toe in pink!

She loves all things girly.
She is obviously thrilled when she is wearing a party dress
and she is a shoes girl. No mistake!
If you're wearing jewelry, you're her best friend.
She already loves clothes shopping.
Nothing makes her happier than frolicking in a pile of clothes.
I can see we're going to have fun shopping for years to come.

She started walking a couple of weeks before her birthday.
She says a few words, mostly "mama" and "dada",
but she certainly practices her words.
She loves to eat.
She almost always out-eats her brother!
She likes to talk on the phone.
She started sucking her index finger about the same time she learned to walk.

We are beyond blessed that she is a part of our family.

We love you Katy Grace.
Have a wonderful year!

{ The birthday girl getting some help from brother }

{ Gifts!!!!!! }

{ All dressed up for her party }

{ Grandpa reading to Katy Grace before the party }

{ Birthday girl snuggles )

{ Lighting the candle }

{ She was quite dainty with her cake.  This was about the extent of the mess! }

{ Disappointment }

On December 15 we hosted our annual Christmas open house. 

Honestly, I have put off posting about it because I have been hoping I could get to the place 

of giving it a glowing review, but I haven't.  

It was a disappointment for me, for the most part. 

It was a lot of work to prepare for and we didn't end up having very many guests. 

 Thankfully Tim feels like it was a success, at least to a large degree. 

I am grateful for that because I have just not gotten past being disappointed. 

 I have dealt with feeling guilty for that perspective. Somehow it doesn't seem "okay" to feel disappointed. 

I think I should be able to put on my happy face. 

Not sure why I expect that of myself all the time. 

In the grand scheme of things, this holiday season has been extremely rich and fulfilling, 

easily one of my favorite Christmas seasons ever, so one event that didn't come off like I would have wanted is not the end of the world. 

We combined Katy Grace's 1st birthday party with this Christmas party since it was her actual birthday. Because of that, I know I had much higher expectations. 

Obviously she isn't old enough to really care about her party so of course she wasn't disappointed. 

1st birthdays are, however, much more for the mom, in all reality, and all I could think was, 

"This is how it's going to be every year because her birthday falls so close to Christmas." 

We ended up having a good amount of people for her party, 

but the first hour of our party no one had showed up 

and the last three hours before the party was supposed to start, we had five families cancel. 

 I was in tears by the time the party started, 

but after praying with Tim that we would be grateful for however the party went, 

I was able to put my disappointment aside enough to focus on Katy's birthday, 

knowing I didn't want to ruin the memory of it. 

I had a smile on by the time people arrived. 

Our guests all came in the same hour and left together, for the most part, 

so it was a shorter party than we were prepared for, 

but it ended up being nice that we could put the kids to sleep at their usual time 

and have time to just relax in the evening. 

It took me a few days to sort out my emotions about my overall perspective. 

I analyzed and re-analyzed the event until I was driving Tim crazy. 

It is good to finally get this post underway. 

It should help to move on.

 I wish I could always have fond memories of this things I do in my life, but that isn't realistic. 

No one ever can. 

I am grateful that our guests seemed to have a good time. 

 I am glad we went to the effort to throw a party. 

I am thankful for the guests who came and for their joy in celebrating Katy's birthday with us. 

I am thankful for the friends who couldn't come, too and sorry that sickness kept so many away. 

I will post another blog soon with details of Katy Grace's birthday, 

but for now here are a few pictures of the party.

{ Christmastime in the City }

 There is something very festive about being in the city at Christmastime.  The year before last we began an unofficial tradition of going to Spokane for a Christmas day.  We missed last year because we were busy with our brand new baby girl!  We decided to give it another try this year.  It is always a little difficult to plan such a long day, wondering how the kids would do, what our timing of events should be and how missing naps would go.  After the day was over, we were amazed by how well the kids did.  There were plenty of fussy times, but they had a great time for the most part.

We started out at the downtown mall.  There is a HUGE Christmas tree in there, which is in the background of the above picture.  We, very wisely, I think, didin't go to the mall with the intention of actually shopping for anything.  We just had fun browsing.  One of our favorite stores is Williams Sonoma.  Katy Grace seemed impressed, too :)

 We had arranged to meet up with one of Tim's friends from college days and enjoyed visiting her as we made our way through the mall.  The kids loved her!  We had lunch together there and then went our separate ways.  Here are my guys being silly as always while we waited for our food!

 At noon the huge train display started up so of course we spent a lot time watching it.  Oliver was pretty intrigued by so many trains. 

 By then the kids really starting losing patience with the whole experience and our parking meter was running out so headed back to the car.  We decided to drive for a while and let the kids sleep.  On our drive, Tim and I spied a very amazing looking antique store so we decided to park and take turns going in while the kids slept.  We loved it.  I'm sure we'll be going back there many times in the future.  Tim bought my Christmas present in there.  I have no idea what it is, but I'm very anxious for Christmas to come, for sure!

When the kids woke up, we made our way back downtown to visit the Davenport Hotel.  We honeymooned there, so it has special significance for us, but it is also just worth going to as often as possible.  That day they had a huge display of Christmas trees that were going to be auctioned off that evening.   There were SO MANY people there.  It was crazy!  We walked around and saw the trees, but it was very stressful trying to carry kids, coats and diaper bags through an elbow-to-elbow crowd so we didn't stay long.  We did find this corner to take this picture in.  As you can see, shooting with a very slow shutter speed, resulted in fuzzy children, but it's still cute, right?  It illustrates how hard it is to get them to sit still!  We both wished we'd had the opportunity to photograph the lobby.  It was breathtaking! 

We had dinner at Frank's Diner, which is inside a train dining car.  I had been wanting to take Oliver there for a really long time so I'm glad we finally were able to.  He seemed to really enjoy it, though he was so tired by then it was hard to tell.

 Tim entertaining the Little Miss while we waited for dinner.

It was a very fun, long day.  We haven't decided if we're going to keep this tradition up, or if we'll transition to making it a day that Tim and I steal away just the two of us.  We'll see, but for this year it was a great family day and great memories were made.